A enticing prison.

Kinda an interesting week I'm having. It started with my mom telling me that I had EFY in the morning. (when I've been moved out for several months now) She had signed me up about a year previous and It was too late to cancel now. However, The first two days have been alright, The people are great and I love my councilors! EFY as a whole, however, has changed quite significantly. It seems they focus less and less on what and how the spirit affects you and more and more on the motions of what finding the spirit used to mean. in other words, they've forgotten the true meaning, and everybody is just bearing their testimony all over the place and calling it good. they tell us to be obedient and to follow without question, but that doesn't fly anywhere......(sorry Obama) I've really tried to keep a positive attitude, giving everybody the benefit of the doubt, but some of the councilors have been really conceited and rude to me and some other boys in my group. It seems that no matter where you go, the stereotype of being a stupid teenager is right behind you. They bring us in and tell us that we are a chosen generation and that we're special and all that jazz, and then they herd us around like cattle and forbid us from asking why. The spirit doesn't reside in a cage, no matter how pretty it looks, or how many colored polo's there are.

     I really do love EFY though, if you can get past that you're being treated like you're 5 again and there is nobody to answer to then it really isn't all that bad. Maybe better for someone a little younger than I am. The girls would be a little more their age and better matched to their maturity level. I'm just trying to comply with the rules the best I can and not make too much sense out of the chaos that they write off as organization. I realize that I'm being REALLY negative here, and I'm actually not trying to be. let me just reiterate the fact that I LOVE EFY.....I really do. sometimes I just get caught up in my own little world.

I'm trying out for the variety show with my sister Karly. We will be singing "What are you looking for" by the Sick Puppies. I will be trying out also on my own with A song that I wrote, but I guess all life has to stop by 10:30. so I've got to run!

I'll update when I can.

Friendly Fire and some other thoughts.

Do you ever have those days when everybody seems to be pointing their gun at everyone else, and you all won't stop shooting at eachother even though its not solving anything? That was a day like today in my house. Everyone having so many problems and all sorts of contention. Now we're all sitting in our rooms feauding and not sleeping like we should be. I've got tests tomorrow and work and 1000 other things I need to get done, but just like companies have to reset the timer after an accident. I've got to reset my timer and try to tackle life again.

It's like we're climbing a mountain and we dont find another holding point. Sometimes we fall and we have to do a little work to get back where we are. We can be discouraged by the fall and just hang there until we are ready, but eventually we will make it to the next checkpoint. So we can fall again.

Endings are happy, so if you're not happy dont think of it as the end. Think of it as the begining and you're going to have a hard time getting there.

Its good to be back writing. Maybe i'll keep the fire alive and write a few posts, but probably not.

anyway, I'm tired, and yes, I realize nobody reads these things.

Goodnight.

Breath....just breath

Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
Leave but don't leave me
Look around, choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all your touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be

Run rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun
And when at last the work is down
Don't sit down, it's time to dig another one
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave

This week I still struggle to understand why I just cant control everything and have my life work....but thats not the way it works. some days I have to just sit.....and breath. sit and breath......Whew I'm doing it right now. IF I dont I get all worked up and cant focus or be calm....It makes me crazy. 

but I think I'm on the verge of learning something great! I just dont know what it is yet.

Time to kick butt and chew bubble gum

I will be able to admit that life has been kicking my butt lately, and I'm sick of it! so Its time to decide to move up and out! I'm getting out of this self pity hole that I am in! Im going to start kicking LIFE'S butt!!! and I'm going to start by failing!!! but I think I'm okay with that! I feel like happiness is not a single choice! its a series of choices, and what you do with what you're given. The direction your going on does not determine your intentions! i just realised that I've used an exclamation mark for just about every sentence!!!!!

GET SOME!

Wandering thoughts

Ya know? some days I wander to a distant land just like this one. Letting my thoughts flow in directions that dont require limitations or any sort of order. I just think about how life would be as a spectacle. outlasting eternities, shaping new worlds.....I wish that I could just describe to you this place that I love so much. The sky feels like the space is all around you. while the clouds fill the sky with texture with the back-light of a few small moons. Days just passing as you watched the world go by in silence. not a soul to be seen. Just you and the world that surrounds you. Imagine a place where there was peace.......just peace.....sorry I'm real tired. The clock says 1:18 but it feels much later. If this made no sense then I apologize. Its just the desire of my mind to leave this awful place.

NIghtmare - A childs worst Enemy

the nightmare, A child's worst enemy. Do you remember waking up in the night. Already half way out of bed and jumping into the air. You wanted to land in the center of the room so that whatever was waiting for you under your bed couldn't reach you. Running out of your room and into your parents room waking everybody up in the house. When you are 8 years old that seems appropriate, but 17? come on....that's pushin' it a little. Last night I have to say. I've had scarey nightmares, but this one had to take the cake. I will best describe what was happening the best I can but you guys know how dreams go...once they're gone they're gone, and keep in mind a dream is never as scary when it is told....there is just something about a dream that makes your emotions seem like they are going 1000 times what they normally are.

In this dream I was actually making a haunted house for Halloween. See, I love a good scare, so that's what I was providing for these kids. Little did I know it was going to backfire. Designing the haunted house was easy. I had mazes and lots of thrills, but as I left the haunted house that night I believe something left with me. You know how those dreams are when you are just a third party member? A spectator? "watching the movie" as some would say. I knew that something bad was going to happen, but I couldnt say anything to myself...It was awful. I went to my aunt's house to go and watch a movie. Now this movie wasn't a scary one. It was just a movie, in fact I'm not sure there were even details on the movie given. The phone rang (one of those old rotary ones that hung on the wall) My aunt started to go for the phone, and for some reason this is where everything went just horribly wrong. As she picked up the phone she looked at me, and I could see her face start to change. I wanted to jump up and hang up the phone before it was too late, but once again I could not control my own body, or even where I was looking. I couldn't talk, I couldn't move and I was doomed to watch what was about to happen. That awful smile on her face. Her body began to bend back and fourth as her face continued to change. Her eyes Monstrous and swirling. She started laughing like one of those old cartoons. I think I now remember where this scene came from. I had made a track from my digital media class the week before. It sounded as though my mind was filling this gap from audio to video, and it was making me WATCH what it wanted. I couldn't wake up like I usually do. Finally. I broke from this terror, already in the air I realized what was happening. I was running to my parents room for safety. I stopped myself in the middle of the hallway thinking. What am I doing? I'm old enough to handle a bad dream for goodness sake! So I walked downstairs to get a drink to calm myself, and try to sleep for a few more hours. As my sleepyness hit me again I went back up the stairs with full confidence and began to walk towards my room. My door was partially open as I had left it, but the light outside my window hitting my dresser and jacket in such a way that made it seem as though there were something waiting for me to enter. I dismissed it for what it was, the light making it look scary, but then the cat ran out of the room next to me which startled me a little....putting my mind back into alert mode. IT WAS RIGHT THEN THAT I heard the most awful noise. It sounded as though It were daring me to enter. It sounded like a painful groan like an awful moaning. That was it, my brain had had enough. I jumped 8 feet back as my mind realized what I was about to do. I backed up into my parents door not sure of what was about to happen next. Was it going to come out after me? Was I going to have time to make it into the door behind me if I turned my back? I decided the best plan of action would be to stand there and stare at the room until either something happened or I Imagined that something happened. I was frozen in my fear. I couldn't hear that my mom was calling my name asking me if I was alright. (apparently i was making noise....) she opened the door as did my little brother. He walked out of his room and asked me what just happened. He said I started yawning and then you jumped 5 feet into the air.....the nightmare was over, but thinking about it now. I had created my own nightmare in a classroom a week before.. Here is that track for those of you who are interested in trying to visualize this nightmare.

http://www.mediafire.com/?2vzp0zvtu5hz2p9

Silence in the snow

It was a sheer 45 foot drop. We all stood in silence as we gazed off of the cliff. There was no sound and no movement. Even the sound of water had frozen. The sun glazed over the frozen debres of rocks and gravel. This spot was special. We remembered a friend who was almost lost. Learned to appreciate life just a little more that day. For what should have meant death. Made life seem so much more important.

This week I slept in the back of a cave....with little or arguably no preparation. As I lay awake desperately trying to gain what little warmth was possible given the situation I was in. I had a chance to contemplate what I really had in life. I warm bed. To that which I am now more grateful. Food, clothes, a stove and the ability to shower without dropping ones body temperature are things that I can whole-heartedly say that I LOVE. Appreciate the things that you have guys! because they could be gone tomorrow and you wont have even had the chance to say thank-you.