Breath....just breath

Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
Leave but don't leave me
Look around, choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all your touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be

Run rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun
And when at last the work is down
Don't sit down, it's time to dig another one
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave

This week I still struggle to understand why I just cant control everything and have my life work....but thats not the way it works. some days I have to just sit.....and breath. sit and breath......Whew I'm doing it right now. IF I dont I get all worked up and cant focus or be calm....It makes me crazy. 

but I think I'm on the verge of learning something great! I just dont know what it is yet.

Time to kick butt and chew bubble gum

I will be able to admit that life has been kicking my butt lately, and I'm sick of it! so Its time to decide to move up and out! I'm getting out of this self pity hole that I am in! Im going to start kicking LIFE'S butt!!! and I'm going to start by failing!!! but I think I'm okay with that! I feel like happiness is not a single choice! its a series of choices, and what you do with what you're given. The direction your going on does not determine your intentions! i just realised that I've used an exclamation mark for just about every sentence!!!!!

GET SOME!

Wandering thoughts

Ya know? some days I wander to a distant land just like this one. Letting my thoughts flow in directions that dont require limitations or any sort of order. I just think about how life would be as a spectacle. outlasting eternities, shaping new worlds.....I wish that I could just describe to you this place that I love so much. The sky feels like the space is all around you. while the clouds fill the sky with texture with the back-light of a few small moons. Days just passing as you watched the world go by in silence. not a soul to be seen. Just you and the world that surrounds you. Imagine a place where there was peace.......just peace.....sorry I'm real tired. The clock says 1:18 but it feels much later. If this made no sense then I apologize. Its just the desire of my mind to leave this awful place.

NIghtmare - A childs worst Enemy

the nightmare, A child's worst enemy. Do you remember waking up in the night. Already half way out of bed and jumping into the air. You wanted to land in the center of the room so that whatever was waiting for you under your bed couldn't reach you. Running out of your room and into your parents room waking everybody up in the house. When you are 8 years old that seems appropriate, but 17? come on....that's pushin' it a little. Last night I have to say. I've had scarey nightmares, but this one had to take the cake. I will best describe what was happening the best I can but you guys know how dreams go...once they're gone they're gone, and keep in mind a dream is never as scary when it is told....there is just something about a dream that makes your emotions seem like they are going 1000 times what they normally are.

In this dream I was actually making a haunted house for Halloween. See, I love a good scare, so that's what I was providing for these kids. Little did I know it was going to backfire. Designing the haunted house was easy. I had mazes and lots of thrills, but as I left the haunted house that night I believe something left with me. You know how those dreams are when you are just a third party member? A spectator? "watching the movie" as some would say. I knew that something bad was going to happen, but I couldnt say anything to myself...It was awful. I went to my aunt's house to go and watch a movie. Now this movie wasn't a scary one. It was just a movie, in fact I'm not sure there were even details on the movie given. The phone rang (one of those old rotary ones that hung on the wall) My aunt started to go for the phone, and for some reason this is where everything went just horribly wrong. As she picked up the phone she looked at me, and I could see her face start to change. I wanted to jump up and hang up the phone before it was too late, but once again I could not control my own body, or even where I was looking. I couldn't talk, I couldn't move and I was doomed to watch what was about to happen. That awful smile on her face. Her body began to bend back and fourth as her face continued to change. Her eyes Monstrous and swirling. She started laughing like one of those old cartoons. I think I now remember where this scene came from. I had made a track from my digital media class the week before. It sounded as though my mind was filling this gap from audio to video, and it was making me WATCH what it wanted. I couldn't wake up like I usually do. Finally. I broke from this terror, already in the air I realized what was happening. I was running to my parents room for safety. I stopped myself in the middle of the hallway thinking. What am I doing? I'm old enough to handle a bad dream for goodness sake! So I walked downstairs to get a drink to calm myself, and try to sleep for a few more hours. As my sleepyness hit me again I went back up the stairs with full confidence and began to walk towards my room. My door was partially open as I had left it, but the light outside my window hitting my dresser and jacket in such a way that made it seem as though there were something waiting for me to enter. I dismissed it for what it was, the light making it look scary, but then the cat ran out of the room next to me which startled me a little....putting my mind back into alert mode. IT WAS RIGHT THEN THAT I heard the most awful noise. It sounded as though It were daring me to enter. It sounded like a painful groan like an awful moaning. That was it, my brain had had enough. I jumped 8 feet back as my mind realized what I was about to do. I backed up into my parents door not sure of what was about to happen next. Was it going to come out after me? Was I going to have time to make it into the door behind me if I turned my back? I decided the best plan of action would be to stand there and stare at the room until either something happened or I Imagined that something happened. I was frozen in my fear. I couldn't hear that my mom was calling my name asking me if I was alright. (apparently i was making noise....) she opened the door as did my little brother. He walked out of his room and asked me what just happened. He said I started yawning and then you jumped 5 feet into the air.....the nightmare was over, but thinking about it now. I had created my own nightmare in a classroom a week before.. Here is that track for those of you who are interested in trying to visualize this nightmare.

http://www.mediafire.com/?2vzp0zvtu5hz2p9

Silence in the snow

It was a sheer 45 foot drop. We all stood in silence as we gazed off of the cliff. There was no sound and no movement. Even the sound of water had frozen. The sun glazed over the frozen debres of rocks and gravel. This spot was special. We remembered a friend who was almost lost. Learned to appreciate life just a little more that day. For what should have meant death. Made life seem so much more important.

This week I slept in the back of a cave....with little or arguably no preparation. As I lay awake desperately trying to gain what little warmth was possible given the situation I was in. I had a chance to contemplate what I really had in life. I warm bed. To that which I am now more grateful. Food, clothes, a stove and the ability to shower without dropping ones body temperature are things that I can whole-heartedly say that I LOVE. Appreciate the things that you have guys! because they could be gone tomorrow and you wont have even had the chance to say thank-you.

FIreworks

Today as I was loading the dishwasher. My mom handed me a metal water bottle and asked me to open it because she couldn't. I tried to open it with my manly super-human strength but just couldn't seem to make it budge. So I got out the pliers and started to ease open the cap. As I began to turn it the disgusting fluid began to leak out. (We later discovered that it was milk....that had been in there for who knows how long) the cap was nearly off and the liquid was still spraying everywhere (it smelt awful) and then to my surprise the bottle disappeared completely from my sight. I dropped to the ground screaming in pain covered in rotten milk. Judging by the volume of the explosion. I was worried that the metal had exploded and I would now be imbedded with shrapnel for the rest of my life, and then to confirm my suspicions the feeling in my hand began to come back, and I just couldn't believe how bad it was hurting. With the bottle nowhere to be found. I scanned the room hoping that the homemade handheld rocket had not injured anyone or damaged anything (I told my mom that Its dangerous when I load the dishwasher and that she should delegate elsewhere, but this morning she was determined. I was in shock when I noticed the distance to which the rocket had traveled. It was not only no longer in the kitchen, but in the other end of the family room. I began to walk from one end of the room to the other when I notice it was only inches from damaging my fathers new 4 color led television. With my hand becoming more swollen and the shrapnel now moving toward my pride. I picked up the bottle and returned it to the dishwasher. As if the awful smell of rotten milk all over the kitchen wasn't bad enough. In the back of my mind I replayed the event over and over, and something didn't add up. Judging by the sounds there were two dents that still had to be accounted for. Then out of the corner of my eye. I saw it. I happily walked out of the kitchen and downstairs enjoying the fact that nothing was broken or damaged. It was then that my mother began to scream my name. I rushed upstairs and entered the kitchen where my mother was motionless as she was shocked. Pointing at the sealing I saw the gaping dent that it had made before it had even left the kitchen. Then was the blow to the couch pillow that was not as severe. I then realized that the rocket must have left my hand at an alarming rate. Hit the sealing, hit the couch, and then landed safely in the other side of the room. I think it is safe to say that injury would have been met if any had dared stand in its path. Haha oh how I love the crazy things that happen to me

Determination

 

the path that we walk is often a lonely one. Not because we dont open up to those around us, but because only we truly feel the cognitive dissonance cause by our own thoughts and frustration. 

A decision must be made. We must choose. What we want over what is right. Often times they are not one and the same. If you happen to be one of those people who's trials are too confident and having to learn to be humble? I envy you....My life is harder. (not that I'm complaining.....but I am)

We are to gain greater strength. I'm not going to try and be all philosophical tonight...I'm much to depressed for that. I just want some peace of mind. I just would like to make an observation of the picture above. I like the quote. It shows that mistakes are often required to truly learn and grow, but when mistakes are not made and you still grow. It is often times a better result to not have to deal with the pain. The picture is of a crowd and a man.

the man is moving toward what seems to be his goal in life. Although he is in a crowd in the middle of the city he is still alone. Not because he is not loved, but because he chooses his isolation above all else.

a sad life.

Distance

How often do we reach and reach and reach and then fall, get up and look around and find that we are further then we ever thought possible? Well, I guess I think of when I was just a child. If I knew the challenges that lay ahead I'm not sure If I would have wanted to take them head on, but sometimes I think of what I would think of myself now if I were a failure? What if you could go back and talk to the child version of yourself? What would you say? Would you tell them anything? Or do you feel like the things that you have been through are making you a better person and are teaching you things? When I was younger I wish that the older me would find a way to travel through time and give me some comfort and consolation. Tell me that I was going to be okay. I mean who better to tell you than yourself? right?

Anyway, I think we might be a little to hard on ourselves sometimes. There are going to be days when you are sad and weak and all you hear is that you dont matter, but there is light in your soul. Don't give up because there will be brighter days. Life is a tough cookie, and doesn't want to play along sometimes, It may bend you, but you ultimately decide if you break or not. You just decide what is worth it to you.

Good luck

HOPE: Falling on your footholds.

 

Hope is a funny thing. We always have it, and yet often times we don't use it. Hope is a powerful thing in the savage and relentless world that we live in. In this world we are determined to find what we want, and in some cases we lose ourselves finding just that, and we forget that we are here for  a purpose. 

We must never lose sight of that.

Do we not wake up every morning understanding everything? well I dont. All I know is that I'm going to do something wrong. Figure it out, and get a little more humble along the way. I guess I would just like to share a few little mementos with you.

1. Choose Faith over Fear.

We have to have faith that we are made correctly and we are not set up to fail. God isnt going to put us down here upside-down and backwards without a way to turn-ourselves back right side out. Even if its difficult. Even if it is taxing of our very essence. Its worth it, because if he thinks its worth it then we should give everything we can to understand. 

2. Don't look back.

If you feel like past instances are haunting you then you should consider something. There is always tomorrow. You are always are going to have another opportunity, and in these opportunities you shouldn't let past negative experience determine your outcome. Do not predict that you will do pourly if that is not your intention. You have more influence over your outcome then you think (remember statement number 1? faith over fear, which includes faith in yourself) Dont psych yourself out just cause you've made mistakes in the past, and dont freak out when you make mistakes. Its all going to work out,  BUT ONLY IF YOU HAVE FAITH AND DONT LOOK BACK

3. HOPE.

You've got to have hope. Hope is key. Hope is everything. Hope is everlasting. Even if you dont pay attention to anything else you've read in thie post. remember hope. Hope will take you to a whole other playing feild of life all on its own. If you have the mentality of hope you will do great things. It keeps you open to all opportunities that come your way. If you lose hope. Your chance of happiness may just pass you by and you wont even see it because you have your emotional Eyes closed. Don't lose hope.

It is a crazy world that we live in, but sometimes we have to smile and walk forward even though we are bleeding through our teeth. Don't get down on your life because it isnt easy, just understand that we are here to be tested, and life is a journey. If you start changing directions every time you run into an obstacle then you are going to run out of directions real quick (trust me, there are only 4, but really only two, Forward or backward) 

Good luck guys.

Press on as you are. Or fall behind as someone else

Perseverance, the courage to ignore the Obveous Wisdom of Turning back.

Sometimes we dont do things because we are afraid of losing, or admitting the problem, but sometimes the problem isn't the problem we think it is at all. Sometimes fear and confusion can get in the way of the way that we are looking at something. I feel as though the fact that as humans we push on, and it makes us who we are. whether it damages us or makes us stronger. We become who we are, and if we give up? It takes from us. It taxes us of our spirit and our personality as a whole. We become empty inside and never feel as though we lived at all. So if you want to feel happy then dont wait another minute. Don't go wasting your time on cheap thrills and things that wont get you true happiness. Spend time becoming who you are. So that you have the courage to meet life and its opportunities head on, and use who you are do enjoy what you want. :)

Childlike thoughts

I thought I would write something about this picture, and the statement that is attached to it. "What would the child you once were... Think of the adult you have become?"

I think as adults were too hard on ourselves sometimes. When you think about when you were a kid. All the things that you would be when you were all grown-up. Getting out of grade school and into the "big kid school" where all the cool people were. If we only would have known what life was really like when you get older. We might take time to stop and appreciate being a kid. Where we are all so trusting, and so loving. Not tainted by the pride of the world. Still so trusting and loving of everyone, but not everyone is like that when they get older. You have to be guarded against your friends and the people around you. a good healthy sense of paranoia will keep you safe, or a loving open sense of trust will get you hurt if you get in over your head. the goal is to not get bitter after the fact of the lessons you learn. So we all have the opportunity to be like we were as a child, but with all the experience and information that we have now. We just need to think about what we want more than we want right now.

The Heart of a child is vulnerable but kind. We can learn to not be vulnerable, but we have to Choose not to be kind.

The Old days

It seems as though I've come home to the monstrous green animal that is my lawn, and not until then do I remember the consistent and frequent reminders suddenly all converging on my little cranium at once. Other things too, keep in mind that my lawn isnt ALL I think about. I mean if I was thinking about it all the time I wouldnt get anything else done. The amount of work that needs to be done just to MAINTAIN it alone is consuming, but to improve its quality? that's just out of the question.

no no, I think about many many other things including. School, Dating, Food, Money and sleep. I think about sleep quite a bit actually. I cant think of anything I love more than sleeping, but I cant think of anything I hate more than waking up. So its kind of a hate/love relationship. You can see why I dont talk about it too often. It gets me flustered.

Ah the old days. When mowing lawns was an ART! it was dont with no help from combustion engines at all! It was a cycle of blades destined to cut the grass of fate. I cant help but imagine the excitement and anticipation that people would have waiting for the newest model! In my situation cutting that grass would be most impossible. There's no way that I could walk that thing around my lawn! If I were to do so then that would be the end of my hamstrings. (and any other muscle below my waste!) So I guess the move from a push-mo-blade to Luxury Mower is quite the improvement. Even if it does take the Art out of mowing a lawn. I recall as a child the show "pepper ann" in which her and her friend decide to make money mowing lawns to buy a new pair of roller skates. She entices one of her friends into doing the work for her while she slacks off and dreams of her new skates (kind of a manger position) as the new young fervent employee takes on the challenge of making customers happy. He sees the art in mowing lawns. Doing vast shapes and images for the different green grass loving lazy people who pay other people to mow their lawns for them. In the end something happens and I cant remember. I think they get some sort of tandem lawn push-mo-blade machine and take full responsibility for the actions that she shamefully made her friend commit (He was one of those artsy types)

Anyway! I'm glad I have an Ipod some sunglasses and a riding lawnmower in a day when I dont have stamina or 4 hours to make the short plant covering my front yard....even shorter.

infraction

At the end of a long and seemingly pointless day I think I've learned nothing, but to say that I am trying again tomorrow almost sounds like insanity. To try something over and over again expecting a different result right? Well that sounds something close to desperation or perseverance. I feel as though I try to focus my attention and do better but never actually make any progress? I feel as though I am letting anxiety get to me, but do I have a choice? I sit here and think about how I'm letting my anxiety get to me, and then my anxiety gets to me......hmmm. Maybe some things are better left un-adressed, or unthought. I'm not sure if those two things are even words or that un-adressed needed a hyphen, but its those kinds of things that keep me wondering. What the heck am I doing here? and who do I go see for complaints?

Food for Thought

The Heart is a teenage girl. It wants what it wants and it wont be stopped. It makes us do bad things.

but its the power of the mind that finds truth, and I think that the heart is very misunderstood.

sometimes we think about life and what we do and don't want, but in the end we just want to be true to ourselves or to keep our cognitive dissonance in tune. With common misconceptions of what happiness is we tend to find ourselves striving for things that we dont actually want. The opposite of ourselves. We become obsessed.
an Obsession is not what most people think it is. To be obsessed with something is to become something the opposite of yourself. Not to just give all of your time and attention to it.

Take obsession, and combine it with paranoia and you get something that is deadly to the human psyche.

I'm not sure that this makes any sense unless you are in the situation, but the thought of knowing that you can use your mind to control your heart, is a wonderful thing.

Fallout

Today I finished my Collage of Photos for my Digital Media class. I think somewhere in-between Making up and editing the project I discovered that I do a lot of strange things in my free time....but then I realized that it wasn't even in my free time. It was my life, and not a hobby......

In my collection of photos I had me in the following instances.

A Captain Kirk costume,

Sora from kingdom hearts costume

Joseph from Joseph and the amazing technicolor dream coat.

Playing Soccer

Dancing in Crazy places

and me Playing the piano......

I'm not sure what to make from my personality

i guess that I appeal to all types of nerd-dom

but also have a great understanding of the Arts as well as sports....(not that I utilize them as much as I should)

Maybe this would explain the lack of dates? someone in my College success class mentioned that I don't get any dates....which either means that they think I'm hot! ;) or just stupid.....

I'm so smooth people just slide on by me I guess.

LIFT OFF!

Well, I guess you could say that the reason for this blog is to send my creative energy somewhere when I dont have the attention span to put it into something productive. an outlet of sorts.

Things you might expect from this blog.

a Musical Thought?

A trip to the star trek universe

Or something I thought you should know.

It should be fun....so be excited